My fiancé refuses to get help for his mentally ill son

DEAR ABBY: After three years collectively, my fiancé and I plan to be married subsequent yr. Whereas we’ve got the standard {couples}’ issues happening, one concern is making me think about suspending the marriage or ending the engagement. My fiancé has a son whose psychological sickness led him to withdraw from highschool at 16. He has completed nothing since. He doesn’t work, and his father hasn’t gotten him remedy for his points. 

I made it clear in the beginning of our relationship that I’ve no need for us to be lifelong caretakers to somebody who refuses to assist himself. He doesn’t need to inform his son to depart. No one desires to take him in, and he continuously flips between wanting remedy and never wanting remedy. I informed my fiancé he has till later this yr to determine what to do about this, or we should postpone the marriage. He stated if we postpone now, what’s to cease me from suspending once more sooner or later? 

He talked about that we must always work by way of this as a pair and get married with this unresolved, if vital. I informed him this is a crucial difficulty that must be resolved earlier than the marriage. I applaud him for being a single father and elevating his son from such a younger age. Please let me know your ideas on the state of affairs. — BIG DILEMMA IN INDIANA

DEAR DILEMMA: When an individual marries right into a household, they marry into its issues. (No household is with out them.) When you don’t need to share the accountability of his mentally sick son, you shouldn’t marry this man. Slightly than make him select between the 2 of you, assume the accountability for making the choice.

In case your fiancé doesn’t already find out about The Nationwide Alliance on Psychological Sickness (NAMI), he ought to look into it. NAMI includes households with the identical issues he’s dealing with, and it would assist him to know what has labored for them. Its web site is Do you have to determine to undergo with the wedding, you need to think about becoming a member of as nicely. 

DEAR ABBY: At what age do you cease holding palms when going for walks? I say by no means, however my boyfriend thinks we’re too previous to be holding palms as a result of it’s a teen factor. I’m 61 and he’s 60. I’ve simply began courting once more, and I really like the sensation of holding his hand. I by no means had that in my two marriages. 

I’m white, and he’s Black. He says it’s simply one thing Black of us don’t do. I’m undecided about that as a result of I’ve seen a variety of {couples} of many ages and races holding palms. How do I get him to know that holding palms offers me consolation and a great feeling? — AFFECTIONATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR AFFECTIONATE: If in case you have informed your boyfriend you want this and he responds by making excuses and ignoring you, then face it — he isn’t receptive. Is he additionally unwilling to carry palms in personal? Holding palms is just not unusual in Black tradition. Many African American {couples} of all ages maintain palms and luxuriate in doing it. From the place I sit, your boyfriend is both not affectionate or is reluctant to show affection in public since you’re an interracial couple and he’s involved about undesirable consideration.

Expensive Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, often known as Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Expensive Abby at or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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